Well for anyone who reads this you should be warned that you are reading the writings of the scum of the scum of the trash that even Oscar the Grouch will not touch.

I dont know what it is. Im just really hurting right now and nobody can understand why. I am just back from that bridal shower for my "friend" and well, ick!!!! I use quotations around the word because I do not know what she is any more. At the beginning of the party they went around the room saying names. "Im Sue, Julie's Maid on Honour"; "Im Laura, Julie's bridesmaid." "Im so and so, X to Julie." Well I wanted to say, "Im Jen, Julie's cast away former friend." Fuck am I ticked off with her. Oh and 2 weeks ago she wasnt having anyone as a bridesmaid and the only reason Sue was maid of honour was because Julie's sister would cause a stink if it were anyone but her and Sue had Julie beside her so Julie figured it would be safe in respect to her sisters stuck up snoobby controling freakness. I was supposed to be up there. Julie always said since I have known her as a child it would be me.

Its a long story but putting it briefly here goes. Back when Julie was just entering university and I was finishing high school we went on a camping trip together. There we met a group of guys who were out camping that week too. So we hung out a far bit and Julie ended up close to one of them, Jon.

Fuck!!! Tears too strong, more later

just finished dinner, with a good dose of Reisling, so trying to write more

The relationship between Julie and Jon grew quickly and they began dating very soon after that week at the camp grounds. All through this time Julie remained my one steady friend. And she talked about Jon and herself and how thigns were. And as thigns in their relationship progressed she came to me for opinions when she was wondering if he truly was the guy for her etc. Now I couldnt say for certain but I was always there to listen and lend whatever I could. When she knew he was the one and sensed him to soon be proposing she was talking with me about her wedding. How she wanted me beside her as she had always said through childhood. We were all eachother had for a friend during those years in which I came to Kitchener. We were so close and shared many secrets and dreams etc. Our friendship meant something.

Over the last two years things have changed. (Yes they have been talking about marriage for that long and had decided to wait until she was finished school and settled into teaching before going through with it) Julie grew awfully distant. Sure she had always been flighty I found but we still had a bond. Her brother got married to a girl named Sue who had Julie stand beside her as the maid of honour. Since this marriage, all Julie has had time with is to be with her sister in law or her cousin Laura, who just graduated highschool. Every week she has girls night out with them. She has told me this TO MY FACE. And Sue lives a block away from me and that is where they do it. Am I ever invited? Non. Do I ever hera from Julie any more? Non. Well thats a lie. I bump into her at a store and she says, "Oh lets get together." So we plan a date and usually the day before she cancels. Then when we finally do get together it is at Tim Hortons for no longer than 45min. This happens maybe every 2 months IF lucky, more likely to be less frequently.

So how am I feeling? I feel abandoned and betrayed. I know relationships among friends evolve over the years but this is very hurtful to me. I feel as though I am but an after thought to her. If nobody else is available and she is really desperate then she might give me a call. Other than that, nada. It is like I no longer exist. And well, fuck it hurts!!!! We used to be ever so close. Heck we were literally the only friend each other had. I was the target at my school in the public system and she the one in her school under the Catholic board. All the neighbourhood kids hated us. It went beyond hate to death threats. We knew what eachother was going through. We suffered much the same and we took joy in the time we could be together and have fun, like kids should. Frig, the rest of the time we lived in absolute fear. Only when we were together could we be our true selves and let the guard down. And now I am nothing to her. And I do not understand.

Maybe she is trying to escape childhood memories. I dunno; cannot rally blame her for that one. Heck, I would kill for some grade 2- OAC amnesia! But if that were the case, why would she still contact me once in the blue moon? I think that is what I find most painful. That most of the time I cannot be botehre with, not remembered or included in anything. And then suddenly I hear from her, or run into her and somehow she remembers my name. How I dunno but she does. And wants to go for coffee. The half hour get together. Hmm I see her maybe all of 2hrs a year? This sounds terrible but I wish she would forget about me. I would rather have nothing to do with her now if this is how she wants our friendship to be. I am finding it too hurtful. It would be easier for me to cope if she didnt pop in out of the blue every so often and make buddy buddy like things are the same as when we were kids. There is a rift between us. In a way i am feeling abused, well maybe not abused but at least used. Used by her to meet her own needs with no thought for how it might play out on me. Perhaps I should start saying Im not going to go with her to Tims for that half hour "its so precious you have me for this long" time. Its a joke to me. We barely get our orders and sit down and she is saying "I have to leave soon. I promised Sue Id go to the mall with her and then we are going to the movies etc"

My mother says breaking connection would be like slicing off my nose to spite my face. But I see it as a means of protection. Everytime this happens I am left feeling hurt and really hating myself. I then want to act out in negative unhealthy ways. And I get onto auto pilot and it happens and then I feel even worse. So if I didnt see her anymore it really would not be that big of loss. Fuck 2hrs in a year? I could fill that readily. And this feeling used by her, fuck that brings up memories. Makes me feel like I am back in school about to be attacked. And it flipping well terrifies me.

So her wedding is August 13. I am supposed to attend this thing. I do not want to. I honestly no longer want to go. And that angers my mother. But its how I feel. Its going to be fucking hard seeing 2 people stand in spots Julie has on numerous occasions throughout our knowing eachother promised to me. When she said she had to have Sue as her Maid of Honour she said that if she was having bridesmaid or maids, I would be there. And guess what? Im not. I am her scum, her forgotten trash. I have reason to not attend the ceremony. Fuck with all this shit it should be enough but I have to be somewhere that morning at 6:30am. Row for Heart regatta is at Laurel Creek that day starting at 6:30am. I am going to row all day, come home, shower and run to a ceremony that will leave me depressed, self loathing and spiteful. Frig! I hate admitting this but the one thing keeping me alive right now is THAT regatta! After that, I have nothing. No plans, nothing. Maybe I will row comp in the fall maybe not. So if I feel like absolute shit, I think might as well have some absolut vodka and use it as a chaser and be thru.

Nobody wants me around anymore. I cannot blame them. I dont want to be around me. I would be doing them a favour really. Sigh.....this is so fucked up. I feel abandonned and betrayed. Even the friends I had from university are leaving me. One is moving away from town (it was coinkydink she got a job here and was in the region after grad) another is going to England in the fall and is working at a camp this summer. The other works 2 jobs and then the one who just got married last weekend well she has her life. And I am not part of it. I am part of nothing. I am nothing. Fuck!!!! What even is the freaking point anymore?!?!? I will make it to the regatta because I strongly believe in the cause. But after that I cannot make promises. Ive til 2pm August 13 and then, qui sais.

Just so fucking pissed off and depressed right now. Gotta get out of room before it gets awfully messy in here.